Starting boarding school is an exciting step, but it can also feel like a very big one — particularly for parents.
Both my own daughters started boarding at eight, so I do understand that mixture of excitement and worry. My youngest has just come to the end of senior school and has absolutely loved her time as a boarder. Of course, there were a few wobbles along the way, as there are with most children, but both girls gained so much from their boarding years.
Over the summer, parents often ask us what they should be doing to help their child prepare for starting boarding school, particularly when their child is starting at prep school and boarding for the first time. My honest advice is not to turn the weeks before term into one long conversation about it.
A gentle, positive and practical approach is usually much more helpful.
Talk about boarding little and often
Small, everyday conversations are often far better than one big serious chat.
You might talk about where your child will sleep, what the morning routine might be like, who will help them at bedtime or who they can go to if they feel sad or worried.
For younger children in particular, it is often the simple, practical things they want to understand. The more familiar boarding begins to feel, the less daunting it is likely to seem.
Some children worry that going to boarding school means they will suddenly have to manage everything on their own.
Of course, that is not the case.
Boarding teams are very used to helping children with all the ordinary things that make up the school day — getting ready in the morning, finding lost belongings, sorting out friendships or helping when someone is feeling a little homesick at bedtime.
Before term starts, it is worth making sure your child knows who those people are. Houseparents, matrons, tutors and nurses will all be there to help, and knowing that can be very reassuring.
Practise a few everyday skills
There is absolutely no need for a child to arrive at boarding school able to do everything perfectly.
However, a few small independence skills can really help with confidence.
Depending on their age, you could practise getting dressed, brushing their hair, packing a school bag, putting dirty clothes into a laundry bag and keeping track of their belongings.
The aim is not perfection. It is simply to make a few everyday routines feel familiar.
Let them help with the packing
Packing together can be a lovely way to help your child feel involved.
Let them choose a few things from home that they would really like to take with them. For a younger child, that might be a favourite teddy, some family photographs, a familiar blanket or even a favourite pillowcase.
Labelling things together and talking about where they will keep their belongings can also help make the whole thing feel exciting and real.
Do check the school packing list first, though. Boarding schools are very good at telling you exactly what is — and is not — needed!
Keep your own language positive
This is not always easy.
Of course you will miss your child. I certainly did.
But young children in particular can sometimes feel responsible for their parents’ emotions. Constantly telling them how much you will miss them can unintentionally give them something else to worry about.
Try instead to give them confidence:
“You will be really well looked after.”
“We are so proud of you.”
“There will always be someone there to help you.”
Children take enormous comfort from knowing that their parents believe they will be all right.
Understand how communication will work
Before term starts, speak to the school about when and how you will be able to communicate with your child.
Every school is different, and it is worth following their advice, particularly in those first few weeks.
Remember too that you may hear the difficult ten minutes, while the school sees the whole day. A child can ring home in tears and be happily playing with their friends a short while later — while you are still at home worrying.
Working closely with the boarding team and agreeing a sensible routine for calls can make things much easier for everyone.
Make the school feel familiar
If there is an opportunity to visit the boarding house again before term starts, take it.
Look at photographs of the school together. Talk about the journey. Remind your child of the people they have already met and the places they remember.
For a younger child especially, being able to picture where they are going can make a huge difference.
Expect a few wobbles
A wobble does not mean boarding is wrong.
Starting a new school is a big adjustment, whether a child is eight, thirteen or sixteen. There may be moments when they miss home, feel tired or wonder whether they can manage.
That is completely normal.
One difficult evening is not the whole story. Give your child time to find their feet, make friends and begin to feel part of the boarding house. Stay in touch with the school and try to keep things positive and consistent at home.
Starting boarding school is a big moment for the whole family. The aim over the summer is not to make your child perfectly independent or endlessly excited. It is simply to help school feel less unknown.
Most of all, send them off knowing three things: what to expect, who will help them and that you believe they can do it.
At Claire Calder Consultancy, Claire and I help families find the right boarding school for their child and support them throughout the process. If your child is preparing to start boarding school, or you are considering boarding for the future, we are always very happy to talk.
Written by Linda Lloyd-Jones, Senior Consultant, Claire Calder Consultancy
